Ric, please see a therapist. What you have, alcohol is not the answer for and clearly sobriety isn't enough. You may have a form of depression and you may be able to find some sense of peace with the right Rx and a bit of counseling. Robin went to counseling and got sober but he suffered from depression and his diagnosis of Lewy's Dementia, a serious disease. There is help out there. Please do not give up.